60: Jobs of the Future No.12 – SPERM Consultant.

Carter, Smith, Cooper, Scribe. What do these once-common English words have to teach us today?

Well, two things actually.

First, the relative distribution of those words as surnames tells us that men who write things for a living tend to do rather less well with the ladies than those who work with their hands.  Second, it tells us that many jobs that were once common are all but extinct in 2014.

And nobody wants an extinct job. My ground-breaking ‘Jobs of the Future’ series will advise the jobseekers of tomorrow which jobs they should start training for today.

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59: The Year Of Tiny Food

The trick to becoming a top literary sensation like what I am lies in identifying when the public’s hunger for more books in a particular genre remains unsated. 

 Genres such as, for example, Gonzo Nutrition. This under-exploited literary form, typified by Morgan Spurlock’s Don’t Eat This Book: Fast Food and the Supersizing of America, involves the author living exclusively on something preposterous such as Big Macs or doner kebabs long beyond the point where it is advisable, desirable, or even remotely funny. 

Now, when I’m not crafting literary masterpieces I make a little extra money on the side as a journalist. Not the showy kind you see on television who wear safari suits while a pleasant-looking town explodes in the background. I’m the kind of journalist who operates undercover, as part of the paramiltary wing of the PR industry.

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58: Ghost Dog

You know what kind of book people really like? One with ghosts and stuff in. The really big sellers; The Exorcist, Dracula, The Bible – they’ve all got somebody coming back from the dead and causing hi-jinks of one kind or another.

Look at that Stephen King. He’s been banging out spookiness of varying quality since the early Seventies. Sometimes he dips into his bottomless well of ideas and fishes out an absolute cracker. Sometimes he just pulls up a slimy mess. But either way he publishes his spooky jottings and by and large the books sell by the skipful.

And books that sell by the skipful is – I think we can agree – what we both want. Stephen King is my kind of chap. And so are ghosts.

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Still on hiatus. Throwing out dozens of weaker ideas so that only the best imaginary books are delivered to your eyes.

A merry Christmas to all our readers!

New ‘books’ coming soon…

terriblerealestateagentphotos said: What an irritatingly brilliant idea for a blog. Give it up so I can do it instead.

What a terribly kind thing to say. Thank you.